As Eaten On TV

Haruki Express

This probably doesn’t qualify as a big enough chain to write about here, but screw it. To quote Nina Shield quoting me, “I’ve sort of been slacking on writing reviews this fall, mainly because it’s pretty hard to get Brown students to go to like, Red Lobster, with me.”

Last night I had to watch “Lost in Translation” for one of my classes. After I was left with annoyance towards Scarlett Johansson (made worse by the fact that I had already seen her in “Vicky Christina Barcelona” this week) and a craving for sushi. I had to study for a midterm, so I skipped my usual out-of-the-way sushi places and went to Haruki Express, mainly because it is across from Brown’s Science Library but also because my friend Katie swears by it.

This isn’t a picture of anything I ate at Haruki. It’s a Google image search result for “mediocre sushi.”

Basically, Haruki Express is the stinky little brother of classy Providence sushi restaurant Haruki, which I believe also has a few more locations throughout Rhode Island. When I walked in, there was only one guy eating in there, stuffing sushi into his mouth as fast as he could while he watched soccer from a tv in the corner. There are shelves along one wall with Japanese groceries, foods like “Honey Milk Treat” and the like.

I walked up to the counter and ordered a Boston roll, noticing that all five employees behind the counter were Hispanic. I never know whether to be fascinated or suspicious when people prepare ethnic foods out of their own ethnicity. In Brookline, MA, there are two rival Mexican restaurants owned by a pair of Japanese siblings who haven’t spoken to each other in years. It’s sort of baffling: What would compel two related Japanese entrepreneurs to open burrito shops around Boston? Why would someone staff a take-out sushi place exclusively with Latino guys?

I went pretty close to closing time and I’m sure I did not get the freshest fish imaginable. It wasn’t that horrific, it just wasn’t mind blowing or confidence-inspiring. I’m definitely sticking to Sushi Express or Sakura in Providence, but I think a part of me wanted to fantasize that it would give me food poisoning so I wouldn’t have to take my midterm, which would inevitably prove how little I’ve learned about Brazilian history this semester because I’ve been too busy fantasizing about how great it would be to have a Sonic in New England.

Fun fact #2: Marisa and Gabi are both former Brookline High School hockey stars.

El Corral Gourmet

A final note on Mike Sarah (that’s the new way I’m spelling his name).  While I will not be seeing “Nick and Nora’s Movie for Patrons of Urban Outfitters” I have come to learn that the movie has in a sort of indirect way done something for me.  You see, when I went away to college (The Glorious University of Michigan) my mother decided that my room was now her office.  This lead to me giving away many pieces of my childhood and being left with a futon on the floor to sleep on amidst my mothers new desk, shelves, and various books on Sociology and Client Coaching.  However, mid way through the summer she decided that through some minor renovations in our apartment she would build a new office.  It turns out that the man who faciltated this building, and thus my liberation, was non other than the father of Ari Graynor (she plays Caroline apparently in the movie). He was a great guy. So I guess somehow I can show some sympathy for this movie, or at least Ari.  But I still got my eye on you, Mikey.

Onward to the main event: El Corral Gourmet!

Imagine a restaurant that is a lot like McDonalds or Burger King.  Then imagine if McDonalds or BK also had a spinoff chain restaurant that attempts to cast itself as a “classier” version of said fast food restaurant.  You may call this the cheesecake factory to friendlies comparison, except not exactly.  My journey to El Corral gourmet started when I ventured to the normal “El Corral” with my uncle one afternoon.  The burger was actually great (I love fast food by the way) and in my opinion superior to McDonalds and BK (I also hold Wendy’s in very very high regard).  My uncle then informed me that El Corral also has a classier sit down sister restaurant.  So my interest was perked and I knew that soon I must venture there.  Might I also add that the french fries at El Corral Regular were also great, they had this great seasoning.  Also, they had characatures of a bunch of American celebrities and movie characters on the wall, including O.J. Simpson.

So one afternoon my cousin and I were forced from our apartment because it was the day of my other cousin’s fiance’s wedding shower.  We meandered around Bogota for a while and I began to get hungry.  Mind you that I had forgotten to eat lunch, and it was now about 4:30.  I was very hungry and also wanted to sit down.  Out of the blue appeared El Corral Gourmet.  I decided that it was time for me to venture into the unknown and we proceeded to enter.  Now, have you ever been in a restaurant around 4:30?  You know, that time that’s not really lunch anymore, but to early for dinner, even for old people? It’s kinda awkward, especially because there is no real brunch equivalent for the early evening, but then again that is a whole nother segment that I will touch on.  Anyway, we were seated and the waiter kinda lackadasically made his way over to us, clearly not that into serving people at a time when normal people don’t really come into a restaurant.  A hilarious thing about El Corral Gourmet is the absolutely towering shelves of liquor behind the bar.  I shit you not when I say that it was about three stories high.  I proceeded to order a BBQ burger and a classy drink (Corona), which as usual for me in Colombia, was followed by the waiter saying something in Spanish that I don’t understand, and me responding “Si”.  I also learned that they call Mozarella sticks “Croquettes.”  While we waited for our food, I began to listen to what might have been the weirdest mix of music I have ever heard at a restaurant.  First off, it is a major decision for a restaurant to even decide to play music.  They kinda have to cater to a middle market (if you are an AEOTV place that is).  I have maintained for a while now that Dunkin Donuts has this mastered, yet as is so often the case in my writings for this blog, that trully is yet another seperate story.  Either way, this mix of music was mind blowing.  If my memory serves me correct it ranged from “Blue Monday” by Orgy (a New Order cover for you hipsters out there) to Enya.  I also believe that I heard the song “Hella Good” by No Doubt, or maybe it was “Ex Girlfriend.”  I also seem to remember a condom dispensor in the bathroom (I don’t remember seeing this at any other ASEOTV places before, except maybe the Chili’s in Harvard Sq (R.I.P.?), but I might just be making that up, or maybe it was the Hard Rock Cafe in Montreal?).  This coupled with the huge abstract paintings of Jazz musicians that hung above us made the vibe very very strange.  Our food arrived and the burger was pretty solid.  The fries came with mayonaise on the side, which is always a plus in my book (things Ammurica needs to get with).  I drank my Corona while my cousin finished his beer.  It was pretty uneventful.  In truth, I think El Corral Gourmet would have really benefitted from a couple TV’s.  I know that this is yet another huge decision in a restaurant’s road towards shaping its identity.  But once you make the decision to blast Orgy and synthed out No Doubt songs, you really gotta put some TV’s in there.  No ones having a meaningful conversation while “Genie in a Bottle” by Christina Aguilara is playing in the background.  Plus, the restaurant is gigantic, so if you didn’t want to look at the TV, you wouldn’t have too.  TV’s don’t always work, for instance, Chef Chow’s on Harvard st. in Brookline (or is it Chef Chang’s? I always get them confused, I say that in the most non racist way possible) doesn’t need to be projecting football games onto the wall on sunday nights while whole families are going out to dinner. But El Corral Gourmet does.  Overall, I’m gonna have to say that while the meal was decent and it was nice to be able to have a beer, I would rather go to the regular El Corral.  There I would be able to get more food for less money and as an added bonus I could see characatures of the dude who played the dad in “Honey I Shrunk The Kids” and “Lil’ Giants.”  I think it was the same guy atleast.

I can’t figure out how to put multiple pictures in my posts yet, which lead to me having to re write about half of this entry.

Once again, Big Ups to Nina Shield for the write up, and a warm welcome to any new Ivy League readers.  I also think that Marisa should let me write a bi weekly guest segment about hip hop for her pop culture blog.

I’m also adding a new edition to my entries.  It’s called “Fun Facts about Marisa and Gabi!”

Fun Fact #1: Despite looking white and attending very white institutions (the name of Marisa’s school might be “Brown” but it is actually filled with white people and was built by slaves) both Marisa and Gabi have Latino fathers.

Adios,

Gabi

I'm only going to say this once, Michael Cera.

Before we resume our discussion of the best and worst chain restaurants, I think we need to settle how dangerous Michael Cera is once and for all. I wrote this for my pop culture tumblr, lowbrow/knowhow.

Michael Cera is essentially the next Zach Braff. It’ll take everyone another five years to realize this, but Cera is essentially just a guy who isn’t overwhelmingly handsome and likes mainstream-indie so girls who aren’t overwhelmingly beautiful think they have a shot at his goodies. He’ll keep making whiny movies and squinting until one day, we rise up and protest. However by that time, little Bobby from Mad Men will be the new Michael Cera, and it’ll take us until 2014 to understand.

That’s fine, the only problem is that male characters like the ones Michael Cera plays spawn a whole lot of horribly annoying female characters who are so whimsical and faux-smart that Cera just can’t resist ‘em. No more Natalie Portmans! No more Rachel Bilsons! Dear lord, no more Juno McGruff.

Also, don’t listen to Gabi about Josh Peck. JP is so freakishly hairy and he makes me really uncomfortable. He has a tendency to see the wackness, whereas Michael Cera and I focus on the dopeness.

Michael Cera is like McDonalds, the big much-attacked name in fast food, and Josh Peck is Burger King. McDonalds is constantly under fire for having fake food and almost killing people, but Burger King fries taste like soap and will also probably almost kill you. The choice is yours, ladies.

Marisa

Cheesecake Factory

I tried to go to the Cheesecake Factory last night after seeing Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist, but it was excessively bumpin’. Like 40 minute wait at 5:30 bumpin’. Thanks for nothing, Cheesecake Factory!

Buffalo (Not So) Wild Wings. Yes, you read that corny title right.

Howdy AMMUURRRIIICCCAAA!!!!!!!!!

Gabriel Luis Manga here.  I am going to be posting here more often from now on. However, my perspective will be even fresher given I am living in Bogota, Colombia, for the next three months (please get the cocaine jokes out of your system now).  Before I begin my recap of my trip to BDUBS (yeah, that is their nickname) I would like to give a brief synopsis of what is to come from my adventures in Colombia.  First off, I now know where I get my love for fried food and bacon from.  In Colombia, they love bacon, and not just regular bacon, but really really thick bacon, on everything.  It is awesome.  They also love fried foods and have way more fried chicken places then the U.S.  I also ate at Colombia’s equivalent of McDonalds today and apparently tomorrow my family is taking me to the sit down classier version, so that will be the subject of my first true Colombian entry.  OH! Also, apparently dudes who think that they drive cool cars here also like to “think” that they are sponsored.  I say “think” because I can’t imagine that converse shoes is sponsoring some random 20 year olds suped up Renault.  But by far the best sponsor I saw on the side of a car today (and it was in a dead serious, I race and am sponsored manner) was from Bennigan’s.  Yes, Bennigan’s.  I wished so badly that I had a camera at that moment.  Almost as badly as I did when I saw that the McDonald’s type place had a characature of O.J. Simpson alongside other American icons on its walls. Sorry that this is gonna be a long post.  I can’t even promise it will be worth it.

Before my adventure to Colombia I went out to Ann Arbor, Michigan (where I go to school) to visit my friends that I won’t be seeing this year.  It was a grand time.  On my last night in Ann Arbor some friends of mine invited me to Buffalo Wild Wings to watch the Sunday night football game.  I hadn’t eaten all day and wanted to see my friends so I met them there. Buffalo Wild Wings in my opinion isn’t that bad and is at least better than Applebee’s.  Also Marisa informed me of a fun fact that apparently all Bdubs have free WiFi.  She compared this to Applebees having a bike rack and I agree that the similarity is dead on, unless your a super fantasy sports nerd.  They have a ton of T.V.’s and the waiters are fairly nice and less awkward than the bees (that is Applebees new nickname).  Bdubs also has drink specials sometimes and that can be good.  Unfortunatly that night the special was $3.50 Bud Light 24oz.  Not great, not that cheap, but it was my last night among friends, so why not.  I ordered 12 wings for about 8 dollars (50 cent wing night at Bdubs, which was not sunday, is actually a great deal and very crowded, even if it isn’t themed around the movie “Get Rich or Die Trying”).

After ordering, my friends and I requested a controller for the trivia game that is run on some of the T.V.’s throughout the restaurant.  We began to run shit.  Turns out it is a game that is run nationally at other tacky (and slightly depressing) As Eaten On T.V. restaurants across the country.  Eventually we worked our way up to number 71 nationally.  Turns out that the Pizzeria Uno’s in Waco, TX and the Bennigan’s somewhere in Iowa have some pretty smart people also (thats right they post the national scores on the T.V.)  Our controller then proceeded to break and we pressed the buttons to answer with futility.

However, by this point I had already dug into my mild wings and finished my second Bud Light, so I was content.  The wings were good and suprisingly filling for having not eaten all day.  Eventually our waitress brought us a new controller, but our previous scores were erased, sadly.  There was also a waiter wearing a huge Star of David.  I couldn’t tell if he was trying to be ironic or not.

We then decided that it was time for dessert.  Our waitress (whose name I didn’t get, but I thought that she might have been in one of my classes, that or I had just seen her on one of my other times to Bdubs, I’m being dead serious) then got really excited because apparently the waitress who sells the most dessert in a month gets a $150 bar tab, but this month it was $300 dollars.  With that guilt laid upon us we proceeded to order besides the fact that the Peanut Butter Chocolate Fudge Treat Orgasm Surprise Torte Pastry Cake was not available (they didn’t “have it” anymore, that’s right, not we don’t “make it” anymore, they don’t heat it up in the microwave from the freezer anymore).  We then asked her in a way that turned out to sound really creepy, “if we order dessert, what’s in it for us?”  Things got awkward for a second before I exclaimed “CHOCOLATE FUDGE CAKE!!!” and informed the waitress that it is what we would order.  I guess she felt like she kinda owed us because after bringing us the cake she helped us in trivia by informing us that in response to the question “who created the cure for Polio” the answer was Jonas Salk.  LET’S SEE YOU DO THAT ANTHONY FROM THE BEES. The cake was pretty sub-par in the end.

We then went and watched Mad Men while drinking Scotch at my friends house, which we determined was the  male equivalent of watching Sex in The City while drinking Cosmos.

Come back soon to hear my stories of Classy Colombian Hamburguesas!

Side-note: the Fleet Foxes album is really good.

p.s.  I forgot that when Mark and I were at the Bees we witnessed an argument amongst some of the staff and the manager.  Given this and the new nickname “The Bees” I realized I had a great idea for a reality show based around the Applebees staff.  It of course would be called “The Bees”  Think about it, it’s fucking GOLD!!!!!!!!  I’m gonna have a whole nother post solely around this concept.  Get ready America!

Johnny Rocket's

I’ve walked by Johnny Rocket’s (Johnny Rockets?) on Providence’s Thayer Street every day for years without giving it a thought, much less an inquisitive one. I have never expressed any desire to eat here, even after my grandfather told me he was going to take me to a charming 50’s-themed restaurant he read about in the Providence Journal. 

I guess Johnny Rocket’s creates some discussion topics, like their insistence of exploiting the dumbest form of nostalgia or the fact that they make you use tokens to open the bathroom doors. However, these pictures speak more for the duality of the JR experience than I ever could: