STEP UP YOUR CLASSINESS GAME AMMMMUUUURRRIIICCCAAAA!!!!!!!!!!! Colombians don’t put up with none of that greasy fingers bullshit when eating their fried chicken. Those gloves come with the MEAL!!!!!!!!!!!! I will have a new review in the next few days of great “As Eaten on TV” restaurants here in Bogota.
In the meantime: I have some things to explain for both Marisa and our audience. The reason for the cheesecake factory being so crowded (besides their delicious Oreo peanut butter tantric orgasm cheesecake and mini cheeseburgers) is because it is a (to quote Marx) petty Bourgeois restaurant of the AEOTV (yeah we have an acronym now) world. In truth, I don’t think that much separates it from the Friendly’s or other restaurants. Both provide solid summer work for college students and teenagers. Both are places that you will see lots of families. However, the CCF tries to play itself off as classier. For instance, the CCF at the Cambridgeside Galleria (a shrine to ASEOTV food) has a weird “Egyptian” motif. Do they all have this? Someone let me know. Either way, it is subtle enough to look classy, yet don’t be fooled, it’s just a bougie version of the neighborhood theme of the ‘bees. Parents who think that they are going to take the family out to a classy meal but can’t think of anywhere else to go will end up at CCF. The kids will be able to have burgers and at the end of the meal they can all have cheesecake for dessert. GUESS WHAT BOUGIE PARENTS, THAT’S CALLED A BURGER BASKET MEAL!! it costs 7 bucks at Friendly’s! , AND IT COMES WITH A “HAPPY ENDING SUNDAY”!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is not to spread to much hate on the factory. I will gladly eat there on someone else’s dime. I’m just informing those people who were waiting 40 minutes to eat mini cheesburgers and feel special that they could just go down to their neighborhood Friendly’s, where there is never a 40 minute wait. You might say “But Gabi, I live outside of New England and don’t have a Friendly’s near me?” Well, sucks for you. That’s what you get for moving out of the garden of eden.
Sidenote about Nick and Nora’s Infinite playlist: Dear Michael Cera, stop trying to cash in on angsty twelve year olds who think they are into indie rock and college girls who (think they) are into dorky guys. You can’t stay awkward forever, cuz once you turn 28 it just becomes creepy and boring. Some might say “but Gabi, what about Woody Allen?” Well guess what, Michael Cera isn’t Woody Allen. Think about it, if Michael Cera adopted a girl, then married her, would you still lust for him? If Michael Cera asked Scarlett Johanssen and Penelope Cruz to make out, would they? NO! He is starring in “Youth and Revolt” (filmed in Ann Arbor) next, furthering his typecast. But Michael, there is hope. Once upon atime there was another actor doing the same thing. His name was John Cusack. He was actually able to master this typecast so well that he was cast as an adult version in “High Fidelity.” Problem for you though Mr. Cera, is that they aren’t remaking High Fidelity. So please, stop making me jealous of you getting to hook up with girls who are way cuter than you. I’m man enough to admit my jealousy. But I’m also man enough to give you advice Michael. Get yourself a role that has you do something besides talk quietly and sigh about the girls in your life even though you are living the dream (minus that whole pregnancy thing). But also before taking that role, think to yourself, “is this something Shia Labeouf would do?” If it is, run away. Do something where you play a drug addict or something. It would be easy. You could be your same awkward teenage self, only your addicted to oxycontin and sell adderall or something. Just saying Mike (I’m calling you Mike now), for your own good, diversify. If not, you’ll end up just like the U.S. economy (even though you’re Canadian)… in the gutter. Plus if you mix things up, you could get with even more girls.
p.s. I haven’t even seen Nick and Nora’s casual hipster music movie, and I’m not going to. You know why, BECAUSE I’M ALL ABOUT JOSH PECK!!!!!! THAT’S the way to break out of being typecast. Take some notes, Mike!!!!!!!!!!
